This sounds chaotic. Now that you’ve told her how you feel, it may be time to let her be.
I don’t know how to describe the current status of my “relationship” with the woman I intend to spend the rest of my life with.
We are the same age (early 50s) and met a couple of years ago; we lived nearby, and while it was a wonderful relationship, we kept a healthy distance that prevented an intense flame from extinguishing rapidly.
We discussed the possibility of spending the rest of our lives together but never made a formal commitment to do so (we are both divorced with children).
I regret not discussing the fact that I had to leave my local job and take work out of town with her. I was able to travel back frequently to spend time with my family, despite the toll it took on me, especially considering the stress of my job.
Predictably, when I was in a bad place and our relationship began to falter, she found someone else; he is significantly younger and meets many criteria. I couldn’t fault her. He was present, but I was not. Now that I have left that remote job, I have not been able to return to the same city, though I would gladly do so for her. Nevertheless, she is in another relationship.
This sounds like so many other relationships that have run their natural course, except that not only do I still love her, but she also appears to love me, at least according to her statements. I’ve even proposed.
She claims this other man is good and kind, and she cannot find a reason to break up with him (other than me). He knows about us and is extremely envious. I believe everyone is waiting for someone else to surrender first.
Would I abandon everything and run back if they broke up tomorrow? True, although such situations are always easier on film than in real life. I would try regardless. As we have discussed, we must have faith and hope that the universe has a plan – if it is meant to be, it will be…
I concur that you do not know how to describe it. This sounds chaotic. I understand that emotional situations can cause great indecision, but neither you nor your girlfriend seems to know how you got into this situation. The truth is that you accepted a job away from home without telling her, and she began dating someone else. In addition, innocent people and children are involved.
Your letter contained a push-pull narrative: the relationship was “wonderful,” but you kept a “distance”; you discussed spending your lives together, but never actually committed. And then the best line of all: If they broke up, would you drop everything and run back? Probably.
My first question is, were you separated at the time of this event? John-Paul Davies, a psychotherapist registered with the UKCP, immediately recognized that the situation you and your partner find yourselves in is more fantastical than real. Davies wanted you to have some compassion for yourself: “If you’re looking for a long-term, committed relationship, you won’t find it here. Perhaps this is why “relationship” is enclosed in inverted commas. What does it mean to you that this woman is effectively living her day-to-day life with another person?” Davies also observed that you anticipated things to go poorly: “It is not predictable that loving partners will find someone else when one partner is struggling and at a low point.”
We wondered where this anticipation originated. When we have old wounds, we can become accustomed to a certain type of pain. We fail to recognize how terrible our circumstances are because they feel familiar, and we equate familiarity with desirability. Sometimes, when relationships become too real, we sabotage them (you leaving, her introducing a new boyfriend) so that we can elevate them to a state of unreachable fantasy where they can become anything we desire. This is why people frequently return to their ex-partners or fall for unavailable partners. Long-lasting relationships, however, are about the every day, the ordinary, the joys and the petty, the navigating of life after the “intense flame” has burned out.
You have told her how you truly feel (if you know this), so it may be prudent to let her be. I’m aware that this will be challenging and painful in the short term, but the situation you’re in has the potential to cause you significant pain in the future. “Leaving things to the universe” looks great on a tea towel, but active participation is required in real life.
Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a reader-submitted family-related issue. If you need family advice from Annalisa, please email ask.annalisa@theguardian.com with your dilemma. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions must comply with our terms and conditions.
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