The question I am a 54-year-old woman who was divorced three years ago. My experience with males up to this point has been somewhat negative. I feel exploited and used. I’d like to question you about the role of mobile phones in relationships, specifically how they may be used to facilitate infidelity. When I was in my twenties, they did not exist, communication with my then-husband was direct, and I had complete faith in him.
Since my divorce, I have only encountered such awful behavior. Does this have anything to do with my age? It appears that males my age believe it’s acceptable to treat women as if they were candies in a store, without regard for their sentiments, despite their early assurances to the contrary. The final one, who I thought was okay, lied about being supportive and used me to get him through some sort of breakdown.
Once he felt much better, he went on a cycling vacation and slept with someone he met, telling me pretty proudly about it and his plans to pursue it. What’s happening? What is wrong with me and what do I need to learn, as I am completely lost? My experience with online dating has been so unsuccessful that I am reluctant to try again. Exists any glimmer of hope for women my age?
Philippa’s answer Let’s begin with the most vital fact: you are completely healthy. There is nothing wrong with cell phones, nor is there anything wrong with the majority of guys. Be wary of charm, smarm, and promises, and rely more on a person’s actions. I have no rules regarding whether or not you should sleep with someone before getting to know them, but don’t do it if you want them to be faithful and will be hurt if it doesn’t happen.
Reentering the dating scene in midlife is a varied process. The people, including yourself, will have more intricate histories and difficulties than they did when you were in your twenties. You may also be more susceptible to loneliness and isolation. However, this does not mean there is no hope. There is much optimism.
When we are younger, it seems simpler to enter into partnerships since we attempt more new things and encounter more single individuals. As we age, getting out requires more work, we become more fixed in our ways, and we may lose some flexibility of attitude. I believe that it may be more difficult for two older people to create a strong relationship than for two young people to do so. But when you meet at an older age, you’ve already formed, so you may anticipate a more intricate process of bonding. However, it is not impossible.
Considering the man you assisted through his breakdown, it’s likely that he felt more confident because he felt understood after receiving your assistance. It appears he mistook your attention for a gift rather than realizing he was expected to reciprocate. Perhaps he erroneously believed you would be pleased for him! In addition to dating, he was experiencing a shared experience with new acquaintances on his cycling vacation, so that they had something else in common than dating.
And this is the primary issue with internet dating or blind dates – these relationships begin without a common experience as a foundation. There is hardly much to bond over if all you’ve done together is share a cup of coffee or have sex. However, if you work with others or belong to the same organization, such a friendship may have a more stable base than merely sharing loneliness.
Loneliness is debilitating, and we may turn to the internet to alleviate it; nevertheless, potential friends on the internet may also be lonely. Loneliness may even cause you to reduce your expectations, so seek out groups of people to join rather than a single companion to alleviate your loneliness.
There are numerous prospective partners available, and everyone is in a distinct psychological state, entering the battlefield with a unique set of attitudes and desires. I’m sorry that you’ve been harmed, but it’s not because of anything wrong with you. You may have had different expectations and presumptions regarding the relationships and encounters you’ve had thus far.
I assume you have been honest with the men you’ve met, which is a good sign since if you weren’t honest, you wouldn’t be giving yourself a chance.
Bring as much happiness and connection as possible into your life. Connect everything. Utilize your free time for activities that you find enjoyable. When the next person of value comes along, compare and contrast your and their beliefs about life, sex, and companionship. Expect failures and time to pass before you find what you desire, but keep in mind that there are nice individuals in the world that share your wavelength. You are more likely to find each other if you are pursuing your passions and interests.
