It is believed that the oldest mattress is 77,000 years old. It was made of rushes and reeds and was unearthed in South Africa.

Appearance: covered in filth and dead skin, possibly harboring 10 million dust mites.

If something is 77,000 years old, some wear and tear are to be expected. These are contemporary mattresses. Bed Threads, an Australian bedding manufacturer, suggests that we should clean them every six months to prevent the accumulation of filth and mites. How frequently do you clean it?

Never, clearly. How would you ever clean a mattress? I’m pleased you asked. According to a TikTok influencer from Australia…

No, I’m going to stop you there. Do not force me to watch another TikTok about cleaning. They are all so vivacious! No one should be so pleased with baking soda. This short mama Mila article is the ideal introduction for mattress-cleaning novices like yourself.

Can’t you just summarise it for me? Fine. You strip the bed, vacuum it, sprinkle it with baking soda combined with essential oil, let it sit for a few hours, and then vacuum it again; voila, the bed is as good as new! The electrifying Italian house music is optional.

I anticipated Big Baking Soda’s involvement somewhere. Today, baking soda is truly the solution to every problem. There is also a baking soda TikTok “hack” to eliminate the alcoholic flavor of booze.

We’ve come a long way since the days of school science projects involving volcanoes. But, as the no-hassle housekeeping guru and bonkbuster author Shirley Conran may have observed, isn’t life too short to wash a mattress? Dust mites, a frequent allergen, are incompatible with allergy-sensitive individuals. Do you require a picture of a dust mite?

Don’t you dare? Okay, but they aggravate asthma and eczema issues and have a really scary appearance.

Pfff. Cleanfluencers continue to devise novel methods to shame us for our filthiness. It’s as if publications waged war against creased knees, discolored armpits, and “claw hands.” Or perhaps you are genuinely repulsive?

Rude. Exists an alternative to this process? In 1988, researchers discovered that using an electric blanket during the day reduced the number of mites in mattresses by half.

Only Roman Abramovich can afford such a luxury in 2022. If you spent eight hours in bed with the blanket on, it would likely be more cost-effective to use the blanket than the central heating system.

This is comparable to Edwina Currie’s “useful” suggestion to place aluminum foil behind a radiator to conserve heat. I’m currently on TikTok, so I’ve moved on. When was the last time you cleaned the shower curtain and toothbrush holder?

Do say: “Baking soda is very versatile!”

Do not ask, “Where can I obtain 77,000-year-old reeds?”